Monday, February 23, 2015

And I'm Over Here Like...

Remember 2011 and the "Everyone's talking about politics and I'm over here like, 'I'll have another donut'" memes?

Over the last month I found myself thinking that meme regarding everything.

Everyone's posting their 3-a-day workouts and I'm over here like, I just want my 2yo to get over the flu (and then get over my own flu and pneumonia).

  Pretty scary, the flu

Everyone's talking about career objectives and I'm over here like, I don't enough know if I will get hired to teach in a classroom after taking x-years off with the kids.

Lots of ho-hum moments.  My daughter did get the flu, as did my husband and I, and I eventually came down with pneumonia.  The day after Madeleine was confirmed with the flu, a friend's father passed away.  My own mother spent time in the hospital and was diagnosed with COPD.  Just lots and lots of "meh" all around.  Alex and kindergarten grossness.  And all of it spent inside this house because of illness.  No workouts.

Considering I have a half marathon next month, and Raleigh 70.3 breathing down my neck, I felt the pressure.  I couldn't do more than walk because of the steroids and antibiotic. 

I would read stories about people completing their exercises -"oh, even though my small intestine is popping out of my ear - I did my workout today!! Yeah!"  Each and every time I read these remarks, it made me feel like I don't have what it takes to do a half-ironman triathlon because I lack the discipline.  I went nearly one month without raising my heartrate.

Even today, I started to feel idiotic after I joined a Facebook group because I made my life sound like bon-bon-eating, chasing young children with laughter ringing through the house, all while completing happy little work-outs and filing away our household bills with a green smoothie in my hand.  There are all these amazing women overcoming insane obstacles and appreciating triathlon, and I'm over here like - I just want a bike ride for alone time now and then.  

I struggle with the constant need to apologize for myself.  I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.  I'm sorry my liberalism makes you angry.  I'm sorry that I am not more outgoing.  I'm sorry I'm not a make-your-own-colored-snow-sand kind of mom.  I'm sorry I don't enjoy going out anymore.  I'm sorry my bike riding makes you have to slow down when you're driving.  I'm sorry I eat fish now.  I'm sorry I don't speak up more for animals.  Sorry I speak up too much about everything else.  I'm sorry I'm nothing special.

I applied for a part-time job - it was perfect.  Database entry (excel), 10 hours a week, work from home.  Yes, please!  I wasn't even called for a phone interview.  I read something that your income peaks at age 40.  You aren't going to make any more money than you do at that age.  And here I am, 40 and unable to even get a callback for a part-time data entry job.   I used to interview really well.  I used to look good on paper.  Now I realize that my stay-at-homeness and age are making me more and more unappealing.

So, what now?

I SAY EFF ALL THIS NOISE.  I met with my coach, we revised my plan and I started and finished four workouts the last three days.  I am eating healthy (ish... er).  And I shake it off.  

You remember why you are doing all of this - it's bigger than you.  It's bigger than your worries.  It's about changing lives and making an impact.

And even if it isn't changing lives.  Even if your meme is "Everyone is raising money for this cause and that cause and I'm over here like, I just want to wear my jeans again" - good.  Seriously - good for you.  Because it really is YOUR life.  It's YOUR journey.  The end.