I kind of lose my mind in December.
We saw Ira David Wood III's adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" yesterday with our close friends and their children, and I seriously found myself thinking, "You know... Scrooge is right! We all spend too much money this time of year, we are all tired, the weather gets cold, everyone is sick, kids become obsessed with materialistic junk, and ... " Dang, Heather. Chill out, dude.
After a delicious lunch today with my little family, a tear-free visit with Santa, a dairy-free iced latte, and a little shopping for this-and-that, I came home and started riffling through the mail. I still need to open all of the Christmas cards and display them (and write and mail my own). I was reading some of the mail and suddenly realized something I had written on social media last week might have come across as directed at a specific person, and I felt awful. Mortified, actually.
It's not really my style to be passive-aggressive to anyone - mostly because I think I grew tired of how it felt to be on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior. One of the things I try to accomplish as a teacher is to never make a child feel belittled or disrespected, because I had a few teachers who seemed to disregard students' feelings on a regular basis. I vowed to remember that and never make my own students feel that way. My mom was a big believer in the Golden Rule.
After apologizing via message to this person, I took a moment to lie on the living room floor, and my daughter took the opportunity to snuggle next to me while she watched Angelina Ballerina. My husband was at the pet store with my son, and I just stared up at the ceiling fan.
Thinking about all of my shortcomings over the last few months after allowing life to derail my regular training (and life stuff) after my last triathlon in September. Skipping workouts, forgetting to send birthday and thank-you cards, not being a present friend, yelling at my kids, losing my patience, complaining about small things, little arguments with my husband, failing at eating well, getting too wrapped up in Id and not enough compassion for the outside world.
Then came the self-sabotage: Since I have been acting like ______, I don't deserve ______.
- I'm going to drop out of Ironman Chattanooga and do a few sprints instead.
- I'm going to stop training with a coach since I keep messing up my workout schedules. There are other athletes out there who deserve his time more than I do.
- I'm not going to plan anymore social things because no one will come anyway.
- I'm going to the garden to eat worms.
Tears brimmed at the corners of my eyes as I brushed her hair away from her face. My lip quivered, and thankfully a ballerina pig distracted her from noticing that I was upset. I took a deep breath and asked myself:
What do I want her to see?
I remembered this picture after my first Olympic triathlon in April:
Do I want her to "look up" to a mom who just gives up when life spirals a little bit out of control? No.
I want her to see a mom who shakes off the yuck and gets out there anyway.
I never was a fan of the alleged Marilyn Monroe quote (which I think Snopes said is not actually a MM quote): "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Um, by all means, when I am at my worst - go the f away. Please keep your distance and allow me to be a crazy lady who cries in grocery store at olives (there's a story there, I'm not that bonafide crazy). I don't expect or even want anyone else to join me in the well of looney tunes!
But, if you don't mind coming back in a few weeks when I can get into a routine again and shake off this yuck - well, you can join me on my journey of trying to make the best out of life. One day at a time. Not necessarily all days, but most days.
Happy Holidays to my friends and family - this will be my last blog post until after the new year. Much love to everyone and may all your days be merry and bright, indeed.