Friday, February 26, 2016

Better

My last blog entries had to do with depression/anxiety and I am pleased to report that I did find a head shrinker who has been a very good fit. He isn't just offering compliments like "feel good! Be proud! You're awesome!" but really helping me dig deep into the causes of my depression and anxiety. It has been a learning experience and I am glad to feel like my head is out of the fog. More importantly, I feel like I understand the triggers for the not-so-good stuff. The trick is to learn how to deal with it all.



At first I wasn't sure if this guy was going to be a good fit. I mean, the advice from him at the end of our first session was "go onto MeetUp and look for a social group so you can make friends with people who share your values and interests." What the what? Then I learned that introverts need to know their friends are in it for the long haul - that they can trust the other person. They are sometimes drained by friendships with people who are fundamentally different. Cats and dogs... living together... It doesn't mean you cannot be friends with someone who is different, but you must have excellent control on your need for control and ... I do not have that. Yet. We are working on it, though.

Since we have identified the main aspects/events from my youth that are triggers, I need to teach my brain how to maneuver when facing a lack of control. Or something like that.

I have one final "thing" I need to discuss with him - and that's not letting people get to me. Not worrying about what they think of me. No matter what. If someone chooses to "unfriend me", whether on social media, in person - whatever - I need to learn how to take this to my neatly-groomed field of no "farts". I can't deny it hurts my feelings, though. I've been a big believer in fierce conversations the last few years. Someone did something to you that bothers you? Effing tell them. Someone hurt you? Effing tell them. Directly tell them. Don't beat around the bush with hidden punishments or sulking - just confront them. Confront IT. Be honest about what has happened. Lordy day, I hate vaguebooking. I loathe it so very, very much.

Two times now (three total) I have been unfriended for some unknown (to me) reason. I am left to believe the first one happened because I wore jeans to a baby shower and the second was because I had a differing opinion on a service and wrote about it. But *poof*  they just disappeared. I asked each person, after I realized what had occurred, "would you mind telling me what happened?" Neither replied.

Ok - so, see? I need to learn how to let that ^^ go. To just not care. To not care when Queen Bees get all uppity and decide I am an outsider and shove me off the island. To not care when someone doesn't care enough about our 'friendship' to be honest.

Because ultimately - that's not my fault. That's not on me. There is nothing I can work on, apologize, fix or change if someone doesn't at least meet me halfway.

This field needs some new seeds. I am working on filling it, letting go, and just being the best me I can be.